Let’s start this by admitting I wasn’t good at being present. Many of us aren’t. I lived more in the future than the past, and some of us live more in the past, while others are pinging between past and future, hardly touching down in the present at all. I had a great excuse for being “Future Woman” because I was leading people almost all day long into having hope and faith that there was a future they could hold out for, so it was easy for me to live there as well.

I have become better and better at being present, although this definitely wasn’t always the case. I had to get it in a not so subtle way, and I still fought it at the time, every step of the way.

When my husband of 14 years passed, he had provided a very sweet, comfortable life for most of the years of our marriage. I was a tiny bit spoiled and happy about that, because I didn’t have to worry until the last 4 years, when he became quite ill and let more and more slide. I had no idea, because I was used to him taking care of things.

We had money to pay all our bills and we drove 2 cars, lived in our own home and both worked. He had stopped paying bills, was quite profoundly medicated with one of the angry drugs, and told terrible stories about me and us that many people (including his adult children who lived in an entirely different State) believed to be true.

I didn’t know any of this until after he passed, when I suddenly discovered the day after his death, that I wasn’t carefree, and in fact was several thousand dollars in debt. After selling the home with very little extra, handing over my car to the dealer, getting a bankruptcy attorney negotiate the debt, I felt completely and entirely lost.

I first went to England where my mother was, and applied for a couple of jobs that didn’t respond. I then wrote to an Ashram in Virginia, who responded immediately and offered me a spot in their one month program to work for room and board. This sounded like a soft cushion at a time I needed it. I flew there with no car, no home, no debt, a tiny bit of money behind me, and no idea what was next. This was where I was taking my blank canvas.

Within the first week I knew I’d made the right decision. I was forced to be really present, cooking in the kitchen, praying over the food, singing and chanting Hindu love songs, hiking, doing yoga and meditation daily, eating vegan food and living in perhaps the most loving community I had ever known, ever!

It was a month long program and almost every day the wave of “what’s next” came up in the futurist woman I’d always been living in. I caved and booked a free session with one of the older swami’s who offered spiritual counseling sessions to any of the month long workers. I signed up and walked into her office.

She was a grey haired elder, with clear light blue eyes and unlined, pale pink skin. She had a little twinkle in those clear eyes, and a hint of a smile on a fairly serious face. She bowed and introduced herself to me, inviting me to introduce myself to her. She then asked me what it was that brought me to her. I immediately blurted out “I am so lost and have no idea what is next. I’ve lost everything and I am so lost.”

She smiled a quiet knowing smile that at the time silently drove me just a bit crazy.

She then asked if that was it. Was that all there was?

“What? I’d lost everything. How is that minimized into that last question?” I asked her.

She nodded and smiled, telling me she was going to give me one word, just one word and then she would let me leave and I could consider that word.

In my head I was thinking…..really? I tell her I’ve lost everything and feel really, really lost, and in return she’s going to give me one word, not even a whole sentence - just one word that would solve everything…..really? I must admit - I was a little frustrated to say the least.

She first congratulated me on letting go of everything. She let me know that when we have the opportunity to let go of all things, it’s usually because there is so much better on its way, and the more we lose, the better is what’s coming, to make room, lots of room.

I practically rolled my eyes like a bratty teen at that comment.

Then she gave me the word to take with me.

It was a choice she informed me. One word was squashed into a limiting mindset, while the other version of the same word, carried space within the letters to be present, taking a full breath between the letters to live and feel the space of the moment I was in.

I could be “NOWHERE” and feel totally lost as the viewpoint from where that may feel real and true. OR………….

I could be “NOW HERE’’  and become totally present to my now daily yoga practice, to cooking mindful, prayer infused meals, singing and chanting with my spiritual community and experience each day with hikes, tea, enlightening classes and deep potential conversations and communication with all others around me.

She then ushered me out of the door, bowing and closing the door behind my ushered out behind.

It took me quite some time, maybe weeks or even months until I realized what a profound gift she had given me.

I am way more present and I am “NOW HERE” more often and rarely in “NOWHERE” land.

Being present to me, means opening some of the gifts of the day I’m experiencing every single day.

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Love & Blessings,

Ruth

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